I simply adore Halloween.
Handing out enough fun-sized chocolate bars to potentially bankrupt me, all the while wearing, to the point of pain, the most convincing tickled-pink smile I can muster. Gushing conventional exclamations of cuteness at costume clad ankle-biters, while trying to hide my disgust over sticky fingers and faces. Which, to be perfectly honest, I don’t find very cute.
Year. After year. After year.
This Halloween, I come to the following conclusion:
Instead, I buy the thrifty ten-pound “value” bag of assorted mystery candy, set the sack alongside an index card scrawled with Help Yourself on a small table near the front door-and then proceed to congratulate myself on the genius of my plan every time I hear the scuttling feet of greedy witches and vampires climb my porch steps.
By midnight, long past the hour when most kids have gone to bed with tummy aches and the beginnings of tooth decay, I’m sleeping soundly.
The doorbell rings. Rousingly, and repeatedly. Like a sucker from my bargain bag of sweets, I answer.
Two “ghosts” wearing white sheets with holes cut out for eyes, are standing on my welcome mat. One of them is holding the bag of candy.
It’s late, I pronounce sternly, hoping to sound more than slightly irritated. Didn’t you see the sign?
By way of a response, both 400 thread-count percale-clad spirits sit down on my porch and start to boo me. And as my eyes adjust to the darkness, Sweet Mary and Joseph, I see them. Scores of costume clad trick or treaters camped out on my lawn. Chanting. Demanding the good stuff.
Snickers! Butterfinger! Milky Way!
I’m headed to an all-night market to purchase appeasement. I find a glimmer of consolation in this thought: Technically, it’s the day after Halloween.
Candy should be half price.
Inspired by Hitchcock’s “The Birds”
This was, of course, written in the spirit of mischievous fun. I love Halloween, and I really do think costume clad ankle-biters are pretty cute. My own ankle biter will go off to college next fall, and instead of moping around, lamenting that fact, I’m trying extra hard to keep my spirits-Halloween and otherwise-high.